In my experience, one of the most controversial and sensitive subjects in conservative Christianity is the subject of submission. The hotly debated object of submission is the wife to the husband. Many books, articles and sermons have been written about it and it is often an area where Christians are quick to pass judgment. I wonder if we dropped the subject of “husband and wife” and simply committed ourselves to submitting to Christ if it would even be an issue anymore?
Matthew 22: 35-40 records this conversation between Jesus and the Pharisees:
One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. ‘All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Isn’t it interesting that Jesus didn’t choose to forbid a sinful behavior as the most important thing. His command is not to say what we shouldn’t do, but rather what we should do. Both acts of love-to God and each other eliminate all other possibility for sin if they are done perfectly. If I love God, I will obey Him (John 14:15-17) and if I am obedient, I cannot behave in a way that will cause spiritual harm to another. Galatians 5:19-21 lists the sins of the flesh, sins that come from disobedience to God:
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
On the other hand, the very next verse tells us the fruit of an obedient person:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22
Imagine that a husband and wife both love God, and both display all the fruits of the spirit listed above and none of the acts of the flesh. I am certain we would all be willing to be a slave to a spouse like that! I can say that with confidence-because I am. That is the character of God and I willingly surrender and submit to Him. My surrender is inconsistent and imperfect because I am a sinner, but His is always a perfect expression of selfless love to me.
As Christ-followers, the success of relationships directly correlates to how submitted we are to Christ. If we are in complete submission to God, demonstrated by perfect obedience, than it is impossible to sin against another, but, of course, we do not love God perfectly. So further instruction is needed to show us what loving one another looks like.
In Ephesians 5, we are given instructions for Christian living that reflect the answer Jesus gave the Pharisees:
Ephesians 5:1 instructs us to “walk in the way of love”:
Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Ephesians 5:21 follows up with the loving others part:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives
Our patient Savior knew we not able to obey perfectly (Psalm 103:14-16), so He continues to lay out what submission to each other looks like. To wives, He says the following:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
This is a repetition of the command to both spouses in verse 21, with the addition of “as you do the Lord.” We can be certain that God does not mean to place the husband above God or even as an equal to God. That would be contrary to the gospel. In fact, that would be contrary to the verses in Matthew that we started with-a clear command to love God first. Perhaps Luke 14:26 makes it the clearest:
If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.
Hate is a strong word and God is choosing it intentionally! Of course, God doesn’t mean to be hateful to others, but in contrast to our love and devotion to Him, the draw of any other human relationship should fade to complete insignificance. Our complete submission to Christ means rejection and dismissal of anything that would threaten that intimacy we enjoy with Him. A spouse is not a close second to God, rather he or she is to find the love of Christ so intoxicating that it would be far preferable to offend a spouse than to offend God. That is the hate we are to feel-hatred of anything that would come between the loving Savior and His beloved. Anything that would attempt to steal His place in our hearts is the enemy of joy, peace and good relationship. Our loving God knows He is the best each of us can ever experience and He loves us enough to warn us to push away anything that would threaten that precious bond.
So, how do wives love husbands “as you do the Lord”? The answer is in the following verse (24)
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
As you recall, we began by reading the fruits exhibited by the believer who loves Christ. Those same fruits will be exhibited by a wife who loves her husband. A godly wife will submit to her husband with the same obedience with which she submits to Christ. Read again the fruit of that obedience:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22
What a beautiful way to love a husband or anyone for that matter! God designed perfect love in such a way that if we are loving Him as we should, we will naturally be loving others as we should. We can’t get it wrong if we are continually submitted to Him. If our greatest love is God, and we hate anything that would separate us from Him, then we will always be on guard against sin that could hurt that harmony.
An ungodly husband may make decision or lead in a way contrary to God’s Word, but a wife who loves the Lord with all her heart will not be led away from her first love. Her fear and reverence for God will prevent her from disobedience to her Master. A wife is guilty of sin if she disobeys God, regardless of who draws her into sin. James 4:17 says,
If anyone, then knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.
God is so clear and He says so many times in His Word to love Him first. We don’t have to wonder what order to practice our obedience in (Matthew 6:33). We will always be right to place God on the throne and make all other relationships subject to Him. If wives are to love their husbands well, then they will know that the very best their husbands can have is intimacy with God and they will not support sin that pulls them away from that. To do so would be unloving.
Husbands
Moving onto the biblical directions to husbands on how to submit to their wives, Ephesians 5:25 says
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Once again, God is comparing the love for a spouse to His love for the church, but whereas the wife was the “church”, the husband is “Christ” in this example. I like the skillful way that God weaves his sacrificial love for the church into this passage so as to make clear the sacrificial manner in which the husband is to love his wife.
Philippians 2:5-9 shows us the depth of God’s willingness to humble and sacrifice Jesus on behalf of the church.
Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name.
The humble and wise Savior compels the godly husband to love like Him. A husband, who has first loved God, and drawn strength, protection, healing and compassion from the generous heart of God will be able to lavish his wife with the same manner of love that he has received. As His love for God grows, so will His ability to love others. Should his wife sin, and surely she will, his Christ like love for her will prevent him from supporting that sin, but rather he will plead with her to turn from it and pray for her repentance. He cannot join her in sin, but he also is not able to do the work of the Holy Spirit to convict her of sin and reveal her own spiritual blindness to her. He is her husband, not her savior.
How hard it is in any relationship to accept that we cannot repent and reject sin for someone else. We can lovingly point it out and pray for repentance, but only God convicts hearts and reconciles relationships.
The final phrase of the command to husbands has the words, “just as Christ loved the church”. We have established that He loved the church sacrificially, but I think it is worth mentioning the manner in which he led and still leads the church. There are many areas of daily living in which God gives biblical boundaries but allows for differences as long as they remain within the boundaries. He shares His heart and sets up protection and then allows freedom within the safety the boundary.
Recently I was listening to a podcast on this subject. While the woman claimed to be a Bible teacher, she shared not a single biblical reference to support her position, and I think you will see why. She was discussing whether it was permissible to color your hair, wear make-up and use nail polish. Her conclusion was that the Bible was silent on this, so godly women would ask their husbands to make this decision for them. I believe that she saw this as biblical submission, but if husbands are to love their wives “just as Christ loved the church”, then it is not at all biblical.
God’s Word is perfect, complete and infallible. If He deliberately chose to give His daughters freedom to make individual decisions in this area, then no one has the right to remove that freedom- at least not if he is modeling his leadership after Christ. Imposing a preference is selfish and unloving. Imposing that preference and attempting to enforce it by insisting it is a biblical right to do so is deceitful and manipulative. It is arrogance to think that a human has greater discernment than God and can set a higher standard than God does. God has not made an error. His Word is sufficient. Godly men submit first to God’s authority and model their love for their wives after Christ.
1 John 4:19-21 says
We love because He first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.
Love begins and ends with God. The kind of love in these verses is the kind of love that recognizes that God is the greatest gift to mankind, far surpassing any earthly love. Unbelievers claim love as well, but the love that is being referenced is not the kind experienced by unbelievers. This love that originates from God, and draws His beloved close. It is a love that relentlessly flows to and from the heart of God and those who receive it and return it find it is satisfying beyond all expectation.
