Aside from the perfect and boundless love of God, perhaps no other love can compare to the love we have for our children. It is unconditional and without reserve. My first husband, Joel and I had one son together before he was taken by a rare form of cancer at the prime of his life. Joel could not recall holding or even wanting to hold a baby before I became pregnant with our son, but from the first ultrasound, he eagerly anticipated the day his infant son would be placed into his arms. When our baby boy was born and Joel cradled his tiny body against his own, you would not have guessed it was his first time holding a child. But if you had observed the next hour, you might have been able to guess that it was his first time speaking to one. Joel spoke to our hour-old infant as if he were a fully engaged adult listener with a large vocabulary. He introduced him at length to our family and our history, leaving out no details, and adding occasional humorous tidbits. He concluded with the warmest welcome to the family and a tearful, heartfelt expression of his deep love. Our small son’s soft brown eyes peered up into the new face with the familiar voice. He was calm and captivated. I am certain that right then, they loved each other in the sincerest and sweetest way that any two people can ever love.
I have welcomed many more children into my family and the experience is the same. I cannot imagine any pain I would not suffer to protect my children. They are more valued and more precious to me than my own life. I am certain I echo the sentiment of most parents. I believe it is from this place of love for our children that we can become vulnerable to idolatry, in the aspect that our love for our children can exceed our love for God.
As Christ-followers, we know there is nothing on earth that compares to intimacy with God and continual fellowship with Him. We know that the Bible has laid out a foundation for life that, if followed, will not only safeguard and protect us, but deliver us the greatest joy and fulfillment possible in this life. There is nothing we would want more for our children than to latch on to this truth and pursue God wholeheartedly for their entire life.
The Bible instructs us to “train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). “Train up” is translated from the Greek word, “chanak” which is often translated “dedicated” in the Bible. It reminds me of Hannah in Samuel 1, dedicating her son, Samuel, to the Lord. It implies that we have released control and renounced ourselves as the masters of our children and willingly given them to God. We are merely stewards of His creation.
In Deuteronomy 6:5-8, we read how to God wants us to steward His children:
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”
We are to teach our children Biblical truth and invite them to see God in us and through us. Charles Spurgeon, the famous preacher, recalls a prayer his mother, Eliza prayed for himself and his siblings,
Lord, if my children go on in their sins, it will not be from ignorance that they perish, and my soul must bear a swift witness against them at the day of judgment if they lay not hold of Christ.”
The faithful instruction of this mother led her children to know truth, but she freely acknowledged that she could not lead them to accept truth. Only God can do that. But, it is hard to reach the line where our influence ends and the conviction of the Holy Spirit begins and accept that we can go no further. God is sovereign. Isaiah 55:8 says:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.
Our responsibility is not only to teach our children truth, but to model it as well, to demonstrate a changed life, power over sin and the fruits of the Spirit. My high school principal said these words to us often,
Your walk talks and your talk talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks.” You might have to read that again to absorb the meaning.
James 2:18 says it this way,
But someone will say, “’You have faith; I have deeds.’”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.”
Our children see us the way most people never will. They see us when we are angry, afraid and tired, They see what we value and prioritize. They see what we read, watch and listen to. They see our relationships and see how we treat people. We are showing them daily who God is by how we respond to Him.
If biblical parenting is teaching the Bible and modeling Christ-like behavior, then what is the opposite? How can the sacrificial love we feel for our children be morphed into idolatry?
I believe this is how controversial and harsh parenting styles seen in ultra conservative religious groups originate. At first glance, it seems that these parents have an excessive need for control, and I am not negating that, but I think the need to control someone you dearly love rises from the fear of what could happen if they don’t conform to your will. It is a legitimate fear. The outcome of not choosing Christ is eternity in Hell. This is a fact that should drive loving parents to their knees in prayer.
You do not have to be a Christian parent to teach your children to obey, not lie or steal, treat others kindly and use good manners. All parents, regardless of their understanding of the Bible, can and many do, train up children who are well behaved. The goal of godly parenting is to raise Christ-followers, not just good people. Formulas for raising good people are easier to come by than formulas for raising godly people.
These words were spoken to me by a father defending abusive parenting, “My children are not allowed to think for themselves! I will tell them what to think until they are adults.” Not only would he tell them what to think, but he would severely punish them for anything but complete expressed agreement. He was repeating what he had been taught and no doubt would have defended his position with the same verse in Proverbs about training up a child. By telling his children what to think on every issue, he believed he was preventing them from any to error in their understanding.
But then I have to wonder, if God wanted people to blindly follow him without any thought of their own, why would He give any of us the ability to think for ourselves? Why not make Christian robots who never sin and never reject God? Why even place the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden of Eden to begin with? The choice for sin was present and the all-knowing God knew humanity would fall, but He still presented the option. God, in His wisdom, gave us the freedom to think for ourselves. It cannot be wise for us to remove that God-given freedom from those who we are entrusted to our stewardship.
Furthermore, the knowledge of Christ is not enough to bring us to a saving relationship with Christ. James 2:19 says,
You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
Our children need to come to a saving faith in Christ, not just a knowledge of Him. They must be free to exercise thought and will. All genuine Christians have had to reconcile the Word of God with their own limited understanding. We have had to wrestle with the truths, ask the questions and accept with faith what we cannot understand. Without that process, we would be ill-equipped to handle the attacks of the enemy.
Some of these questions like: Why does God allow bad things to happen? Is God real? Is the Bible true and without error? How do I know God’s will for me? These and so many more draw us to God’s Word and to deeper understanding of His character. Satan’s first move is to undermine God’s words. Take a look at the first sin in Genesis. Satan didn’t tempt Adam and Eve to lie, steal or murder. He tempted them to question God. The enemy will tempt our children to question God and in those moments of temptation, they need the power of the Holy Spirit and the wisdom gained from personal knowledge and relationship with God. Second hand knowledge is no match for the deceiver. Like Adam and Eve and like each of us, they will fail sometimes. They will not resist the devil and he will take a victory, and they will suffer sins consequences.
Consequences of sin are a pivotal part of spiritual growth. Mature Christians have a deep love for God and the greatest consequence for sin is causing grief to the God they love. They have developed an intimacy and connection that is supernatural and they long to please their Savior and avoid the very sins that sent Him to the cross. Young Christians need opportunity to develop this sensitivity and strengthen their love for God. It is through the continual process of sin and repentance that they find how much they hate the separation sin causes and crave unhindered fellowship with God.
As parents, we want our children’s lives to be easy, yet how many of us would say that our trials and hardships strengthened our faith in ways that nothing else could have? As I mentioned at the beginning of the article, I lost my first husband, Joel, to cancer. Early in Joel’s illness, I struggled with anger, a phase of the grieving process. I would become so angry that my nose would bleed. One day, I was in my car driving and I was arguing with God, accusing Him of being unfair, cruel and unkind. My nose began to bleed. I escalated my accusations to telling God that if he was not a good God, I wanted nothing to do with Him. My nose bled so forcefully that it splattered on the driver’s side window of my car. I pulled to the side and as I watched the trickles of spattered blood trickle down the window and I told God if He could prove He was good, I would follow Him faithfully. If not, I didn’t want to spend eternity with Him.
God proved Himself good over and over and over. It is perhaps the greatest deception of the enemy to convince us that God is only good when life is easy. In fact, the opposite is true. In the deepest of sorrow, I found the deepest of loves. The very best thing that can be had in this life and the next is intimacy with God. There is nothing that compares and once grasped, it can never be taken away.
I would not undo that painful loss even if I could, because through it God showed Himself to me in a way that I would not have seen Him otherwise. I am in awe of Him! Yet, I still recoil at the thought of my children walking through deep pain. And this is where idolatry rears it’s ugly head. I must hold my hands open and allow God to draw my children to Himself. Matthew 13:45-46 says:
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”
Children cannot have Jesus, the pearl of greatest value, until they willingly lay down their lives to take up new life with Him. This is requires them to have the freedom to think and act upon their own conclusions and convictions. If we truly believe that this Pearl is so valuable that it is worth any sacrifice, then let us step out of the way, loosen our grasp and dedicate our children to God for His glory.
